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Marital text messages

December 4, 2013

C: Are you having fun?

B: Trying to find a way to leave the gig without causing a diplomatic incident.
C: Tell them I’m being eaten by a boa constrictor and am already up to my knees. I need your help to pull me out.

[time passes]

B: I’m leaving in a bit. Will get kebabs from Old Street.
C: Feed mine to the snake and I’ll collect it from inside.

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Marriage Backstory

May 3, 2013

B: What’s my backstory?
HSG: Your childhood is a mystery. Little is known of your life before you arrived five years ago, carried across across the ocean by a giant octopus and deposited on the beach at Penzance.
B: And your backstory?
HSG: I used to be a dog, until I ate an enchanted can of Pedigree Chum.

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Five Slash Fiction Pairings I’d Like To See

January 19, 2012

1. Peter Jackson/Guillermo del Toro

2. Nick Clegg/David Cameron

3. Mark Kermode/Simon Mayo

4. Ben Goldacre/Simon Singh

5. Tenzin Gyatso, His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama/Rowan Williams, The Archbishop of Canterbury

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Another conversation starter: Bugs

May 24, 2011

BOFF: Hey McGruber!
HSG: Ah, Larry-Larry.
BOFF: How are all your bugs?
HSG: Today? Today I am 15% bugs.
BOFF: I thought you were 35% bugs?
HSG: Naw, 35% bugs is only for special occasions.

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Chat excerpt: Volcano Trouble

April 20, 2010

BOFF: they say there might be food shortages
BOFF: or is that just sensationalist media having some fun?

HSG: at this stage the only shortages seem to be exotic fruit and veg
HSG: and international mail is taking longer

BOFF: dragonfruit?

HSG: NO DRAGONFRUIT OMG WE’RE ALL FUCKED

BOFF: ok so it’s probably not too bad

HSG: yeah, i can live without kiwi fruit for a bit
HSG: i have not noticed any food shortages, myself

BOFF: any short people?

HSG: there is a midget shortage
HSG: normally they get parachuted in on thursdays

BOFF: fuck

HSG: i wait all week for those fucking midgets

BOFF: i’m so sorry
BOFF: i know i know

HSG: i’m gutted

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How my phone conversations begin.

May 13, 2009

HSG: Hey there, Mackleson.  How’s your egg mcmuffin?
BOFF: Oh, the tube’s broken in my mcmuffin.  It’s got a broken tube.  I can’t change the channel.
HSG: Are you stuck on the Elephant Channel again?
BOFF: Yeah!
HSG: But there’s some pretty good stuff on the Elephant Channel.
BOFF: I guess so, but why is it so expensive?
HSG: Well, it’s so much heavier than the other channels.

And so on.

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I’m not saying I would pay for it, but tell me if you find it on BitTorrent.

March 28, 2009

If someone were to release, say, homemade porn featuring Whoopi Goldberg and Ted Danson from when they were romantically involved in 1993 during the shooting of Made In America, I would totally watch that.

Just saying.